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A Win-Win Situation
by Ron Marr


    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it puzzling that Al Gore, master of technology and self-proclaimed inventor of the internet, is now shouting from the rooftops that the most accurate way to tabulate votes is
to count them up on your fingers and toes?  Does anyone else find it a tad bewildering that Al Gore, a refugee from the animatronic hall of vice presidents at Disney World, has suddenly forgotten his roots and declared war on his fellow machines?

    Is anyone else sick of this guy?

    Ok, let me be the first to admit that I thought Al Gore was lower than pond scum BEFORE the election. I would not serve him if he came to my barbecue. I would rather clean up a dog pound after chili and Ex-lax night than have to hear the man's (and I use the term lightly) stumbling lies, contrived statements, phony laugh and condescending air of effeminate hypocrisy.

    So, now that we've got that in the open, let me tell you objectively why this manual recount gambit is a scam.  Gore is on his pulpit, telling all who will listen that George Bush lied. Al says George
doesn't trust people. Al says George is bad because he trusts machines more than people to  correctly add up millions of numbers.

    Excuse me?  During the campaign George asserted he didn't trust government. Inanimate objects such as machines (Gore excluded) never entered into it. That George doesn't trust Al Gore any further than he can
throw a cheesecake under water is a validation of this assertion. Al Gore is the personification of the government dweeb, the power mad, bureaucratic ass that will make your life miserable just because he can, the grade school hall monitor who told the teacher you were smoking in the bathroom because you refused to praise his science project on the life of the geode.

    If  (like Al Gore) you believe people are more accurate than machines when it comes to math, there are certain actions you should take. If you own a pocket calculator, throw it out and never use it again. The
next time you're standing in a crowded checkout line at the grocery store, insist that the checker add up your purchases with a #2 pencil. Get rid of your computer. Moreover, lets get rid of all computers and make NASA scientists figure ballistics with an abacus.

    Last but not least, go after the odometer on your car with a ball peen hammer. It is the voice of Satan, Prince of Lies.

    A question.  Why are we told to believe a manual recount of votes in Florida and disbelieve a machine recount? Especially when the ballots were designed to be counted by machine rather than the human eye?

    Here's why.  Al only is counting heavily Democratic counties.  This means, simply on a numbers game, that the counters themselves will be heavily Democratic.  We live in a partisan world, and he knows they will
throw votes his way given the slightest opportunity. I advise anyone who wishes a detailed account of how this process works to go to National Review Online and read an article entitled "Beware of Hanging

    "But oh," you say. "Our hero Al Gore has magnanimously offered a manual recount of the whole state."  Yes, he has, and if you counted it 50 times you would come out with 50 different results. Al knows this, and
would refuse to acknowledge any result that allowed Bush to retain the lead (which, at the time of this writing, he has always held).  However, I'd bet the farm on the fact that any result showing Al ahead would have him declaring himself victor and screaming for an immediate halt to the proceedings.

    This is why we use machines for this job. They are neutral.  Al Gore hates neutral.

    But take heart, gentle reader.. There's a bright side.  Say Gore does scam his way to the White House.  So what?  Not only will he be the most hated, least trusted man in America, he will also face immediate
gridlock against a Republican Congress. In all likelihood, as Congressional races generally go against the party who holds the White House, Congressional contests two years from now would fall heavily Republican, extending gridlock for the duration of Al's administration.

    Here's the good part.  Hillary Clinton wants to run for President in 2004, but if Al Gore is the incumbent, the nod at the Democratic convention will go to him. People will not forget the events of this last
week, and "Gore Campaign 2004" would be so weak that even a one-armed, 90 year old Bob Dole could beat the Tennessee android to a oozing pulp of springs and sprockets and 40 weight Pennzoil.

    On the other hand, Should Bush somehow hold onto his rightful presidency, I predict that the American people will take a shine to him in the same way they did Reagan. It will drive the liberals crazy.

    No fear. We are in a "Win-Win" situation.

Ron Marr is the author of "Coyote Songs" and editor of the nationally distributed monthly newspaper, The Trout Wrapper. He resides in Pony, Montana. Visit

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© Ron Marr, 2000


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