Lame, Lame Chris Lehane Rides Again
By Nathan Porter
[email protected]
6/24/2002

Webster's defines weasel as any of a worldwide group of agile, flesh-eating mammals with short legs and a bushy tail, the base of the word being weis, which in reference to the rank odor emitted by an animal means to flow out. They could save some ink by defining weasel as Chris Lehane, press secretary to Al Gore during the 2000 election.

Lehane crawled out of his timeshare beneath Maine Avenue this week to reveal that, in his opinion, the sneak attack disclosure that George W. Bush had been arrested for DUI gave the popular vote to Gore in the 2000 presidential election. "Obviously, I think it did have an impact on the election," Lehane told WABC Radio's John Batchelor and Paul Alexander.

As Newsmax reported this week, �the Bush DWI story undoubtedly caused Bush's slim nationwide lead to evaporate overnight and precipitated the 37-day Florida recount fiasco that still has Democrats grousing Gore was robbed.�

"There is something of a mystery that has unfolded since we broke the story," Fox News Channel's Carl Cameron reported days before the election. "And that is that part of the arrest record and the state of Maine's documentation of George Bush's driving record and arrest record in Maine was faxed to news agencies all over the country after we were on the air with it at 6 o'clock Eastern time."

Said Senator Alan Simpson at the time, "If anybody doesn't believe that this came right out of Gore headquarters, you ought to sprinkle some Peter Pan twinkle dust on them."

And I have no doubt who in Gore headquarters worked the story, pushed the story, and finally convinced a desperate Al Gore to release the story�Chris Lehane. It all makes sense. Performing this type of dirty trick is the only reason Chris Lehane was born. Lehane is from Maine, where the DUI took place, and he has all the connections necessary to manufacture the unusual release of documents. And the fact the revelation comes from him is even more proof that he was the operative behind the �leak.� He kept it a secret as long as he could, but like a teenage yuppie who beats the object of his desire to death with a golf club, Lehane just couldn�t keep it a secret forever. It was too good to keep all to himself. What�s the good of doing something sinister if you can�t take the credit? So Lehane squealed�on himself (something tells me it�s not the only time he�s squealed�all over himself�maybe even in a tree).

The sad thing is that if George Bush wanted to ensure a popular vote victory in 2000 he would�ve taken my advice at the time and made Lehane the big election issue. In every presidential election, America not only chooses a president but also a presidential press secretary. A Gore presidency would likely have meant that America would�ve been forced to endure as presidential press secretary the ugly, smug, flesh-eating mammal that is Chris Lehane. A chilling thought for anyone who follows current events on a daily basis.

To win the popular vote outright Bush simply could've asked, "Do you want to see more or less of Chris Lehane?" Now there�s a campaign issue every pro-abortion soccer mom in America would understand. "Hell no!" would�ve been the resounding response heard nationwide.

One can tell a lot about a president or a candidate by his choice for press secretary, and to this day a snotty-nosed, pompous prick like Chris Lehane says a lot about Al Gore and his pathetic campaign for the presidency. I thank God that I do not have to suffer through day after day of Chris Lehane�s unprofessional, press-secretarial McCarthyism.

So why did Lehane decide that now is the time to reveal this juicy tidbit from election 2000? My guess is he�s setting himself up for a job in the next election, perhaps for a candidate other than Gore. He�s been a loser all his life so one can hardly blame Lehane for not wanting to be involved in another Gore campaign. But any candidate considering hiring Chris Lehane should beware. As annoying as he appears on television, it is no surprise that Lehane annoys most people he works with as well.

In an article for The New Republic, Dana Milbank looked at Lehane's addiction to playing jokes on fellow Gore staff members. Jokes that amuse Chris Lehane often do not amuse his co-workers, and he does not restrict his tomfoolery to co-workers. One of Lehane's favorite pastimes is littering his official statements with ridiculous words, hoping to get them in print. As Milbank tells it, Lehane's fondest wish is to be quoted in print using the word rimbamboo. Lehane defines it as a fool, but I can imagine another equally fitting definition of the term when applied to Lehane.

It's an interesting game for a 10-year-old child or a thirty-something rimbamboo. So when Lehane takes credit for costing Bush the popular vote and causing the Florida fiasco, don't be angry, don't get sick. It's just a big game for Chris Lehane. A game he is not very good at and a game he is destined to lose. Because this prissy rimbamboo sucks.  I know it, you know it, and considering the look on his face whenever I see him, he knows it, too.

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