Alex Aichinger
Kirsten Andersen
Brent Barksdale
Jim Couture
Andrew Downey
Natalie Farr
Joe Giardiello
Bret Hrbek
Sang Mi Kim
Ramesh Ponnuru
Tom Scerbo
Dorothy Seese
Jason Soter

Senate Candidate Bob Franks of New Jersey

Myriam Marquez is a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel

Coming To A Newspaper Near You

With the recent Million Mom March and the cases against the tobacco companies and gun manufactures gaining widespread attention and public support, Libby Leftman is breaking new ground. "For years we have been attacking the tobacco industry for its detrimental cost to the health of our society," said Ms. Leftman from her suburban Chicago home. "We have recently taken on the gun manufacturers and the New York jury verdict will open the floodgates for a deluge of litigation against gun makers that will crumble them to their knees," Ms. Leftman said, referring to last year's ruling in New York whereby fifteen of twenty-five gun manufacturer defendants were were found negligent in allowing their guns to fall into the hands of criminals.

Ms. Leftman, a professor at Northwestern University and participant of the Million Mom March, believes that people are finally now ready to "up the ante". "With this recent litigation fresh in the minds of the public we feel that the time has now come to attack and seek retribution from the source of the problem." When asked what she thought the source of the problem might be she responded that "As our venerable mayor Daley recently told a public gathering, 'We hold polluters responsible for the environment, liquor stores responsible for selling to minors, and gun manufacturers responsible for violent crimes. Well, now it is time for us to hold God accountable for LIFE, it is a fatal disease!" said an exasperated Ms. Leftman. "Since the beginning of time people have been born and forced to live with the fact that they were going to die. This is lunacy, an outrage against humanity and it has gone on too long."

In addition to dying being a certainty, Ms. Leftman also showed outrage over God's refusal to guarantee a person's life against early death. "People are bound to live their lives recklessly," said Ms. Leftman, "many people die each year on the account of their own stupidity, and we need to save them from themselves." In answering the reasoning that people should accept accountability for their own actions, and therefore be held responsible for their own reckless behavior, Ms. Leftman claimed that responsibility is a Western imperialistic concept that shackles humanity to the master of moral accountability. "In addition to the deadliness of stupidity, we have babies dying at birth, teenagers contracting life-threatening diseases, and freak accidents which account for hundreds of thousands of more deaths each year the world over."

According to Ms. Leftman no country was immune to such problems. "International creditors and big business are routinely bailed out by huge IMF recovery packages and thus guaranteed against losses and yet our Creator refuses such basic insurance. We are just looking for equal justice under the law." Ms. Leftman and her attorneys do not say how much they will seek in negotiations with God, set to begin later this month, but they indicated that it would be in the hundreds of billions of dollars.

The Almighty God could not be reached for comment.

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