think it was just over a month ago that I foretold of a Bush
landslide, complete with him winning California and taking 398
Electoral votes (California
to the omelet I call my face. I was wrong, and not just your average
everyday type of wrong, I was 'yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans'
wrong....and I apologize for it.
That being said, no one could have predicted this (not even a bong
water induced Bill Kristol).
The mess we are in involves us talking at length about pregnant chads,
dimpled chads, hanging chads, swinging chads, chads with two mommies,
Florida statutes and Secretaries of State's choices of make-up
application and at some point we are all going to step away and
wonder....How the hell did we get here?
There is a certain surrealism to this election. Looking at the big
picture, I am taken aback by the historical significance of these past
few weeks. I have that same feeling I did when I watched our President
admit to an "inappropriate relationship." That feeling that
History was being written before my eyes. Some of the oddities:
We watched the media project the state of Florida for Gore, then
retract it, then call it for Bush and declare him President,
then retract that. This in effect means the media will declare this
state 5 different times.
We witnessed a concession from Gore, then a withdrawal of that
A sitting First Lady was elected to a Senate seat in a state which she
has never lived. She forgoes etiquette and decides to
deliver her acceptance speech during her opponent's concession speech.
She then waited 48 hours to declare that we
should do away with the Electoral College portion of the Constitution.
Florida law triggering a mandatory recount. Recounts on their own are
not that uncommon, however the fact that Gore gained nearly 1400 net
votes during one is against any and all odds.
Elderly voters somehow positive they voted wrong after receiving
telemarketing calls from the DNC.
Jesse Jackson again finding racism during a crisis which was about
court deciding that canvassers can play the Great Carnac and divine
the will of voter intent on the ballot (Al Gore, Crazy
Horse, and a discharge of air from a female private part; email me
with your answers)
The distinct possibility that the Electors will meet on December 18th
and we will not know the outcome.
So how do we prevent this from happening again? I've devised a plan:
(A) We demand that the media go through a 2 hour cooling off
period before reporting anything. This two hour period should also
include a mandatory fact background check and possibly mandatory
camera locks to prevent the wrong people from reporting the news.
(B) Like death, concessions should be permanent. There are no
take backs. If you concede, you concede ... end of game.
(C) Senator-elects are under gag order from the time they are
elected until they are officially in office. This will prevent what I
call "diarrhea mouth."
(D) Elderly voters who cannot follow an arrow into a hole, and
will cry about it later should have their voting rights revoked, along
with their driving privileges and their Wednesday senior citizen
discount at Wal-Mart.
(E) If the courts are going to rule on how an election count
should proceed, they should have caged exotic dancers on either side
of them during their ruling. (why not?)
(F) Anyone named 'Jesse' (Jackson, Ventura, Christina Applegate)
is not allowed to comment until the election is completely over.
Now if only lawmakers would listen to me.
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© The Cynic, 2000
See our latest columns:
America's New Ruling Junta:
Bret Hrbek on
Florida's Judicial Legislation. And boy is he pissed
Cynic explores the latest media myth
leaders unite against rejected overseas ballots
Cynic hopes it will all end soon so Barney Frank can go
back to being his old lovable self
Gore declares war on his fellow machines
Anne Seese is amazed we are so closely divided
considering the last eight years
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