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Alex Aichinger
Kirsten Andersen
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The Cynic
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Bret Hrbek
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Dorothy Seese
Jason Soter


8 Reasons Why Republicans are Idiots
by The Cynic

OK guys, take your fingers off that 'Write Mail' button. I find it to be my civic duty to point out the flaws of these guys. I had high hopes for the GOP in 1994 but, as usual, things never quite pan out they way they should. Be warned, if you do decide to pen a non-intelligible email to me, I may feel inclined to reprint it in this space, as to embarrass you in front of your peers. So, on with the column...

1. Smaller government? Yeah right. Remember the Contract with America? All this talk of spending cuts and a smaller, more responsive government was just that. Talk. The federal outlays for 1994 were $1.461 trillion The outlays for 1999? $1.731 trillion or an increase of 18%. The budget projection for 2003 is $1.954 trillion. That will increase the size of federal government by 1/3. A third! If this is smaller government, then I want a smaller penis.

2. Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond. It seems that the mantra for the GOP convention this year was "We're not a bunch of old white guys." If you want to change your image guys, ask these two to step down. Strom Thurmond ran for president in 1948. You know, back when milk was still delivered and sex only occurred with your wife. Truth is, these guys are the first image that occurs to people when they hear the term "conservative."

3. House Speaker, Dennis Hastert. This is who you came up with? Say what you will about Newt Gingrich, he was a fireplug. This is the role of House Speaker. You need your speaker to withstand the opposition's ire and be able to rally up and inspire the troops to pass legislation. Denny seems to be a nice guy and all, but the only person he seems to inspire is Bill Clinton, and that's to bully you guys around. 

4. The Christian Coalition. What is up with these guys? This is the base of your party? I have always respected Religion, but it should stay out of politics. If you want to convince people to vote for you, guilt is definitely not the most effective tool. There are places people can go to find religious leadership, they are called Churches and Synagogues and I think we can find them with little help.

5. 1992 and 1996 campaign. You run two campaigns where the crux of your campaign is "We ain't Clinton." Surprise! You lost. The George W. Bush campaign this year seems to be flirting with this idea. Quick suggestion, you tried it twice and it didn't work. Unless you want to become the Buffalo Bills of the political world, get off this track and fast.

6. Rush Limbaugh, corporate spokesman. People, people, people! Rush Limbaugh is entertainment. If you continue to treat him as your spokesperson he will continue to drive away the independent vote. Limbaugh is a comedian with an ideology. He is not your leader, nor should you treat him as such. I personally believe that he drove John McCain out of contention for the presidency and that is just insane. Ask yourself this question: If Rush ran for president, would he win? If you answer this with a yes, please ask yourself again, and again and again, until you come up with the correct answer.

7. Impeachment. It is believed that Bill Clinton is the most corrupt president we have ever had. It is suspected that he committed numerous impeachable offenses, and all you guys could come up with is perjury. That's sad. The Senate abandoned the House on impeachment and then the entire Congress abandoned Ken Starr. He took the brunt of the attacks and you all left him out to dry. Speaking of which, when are you guys going to find the testicular fortitude to actually investigate the media diversion known as the Sudanese Aspirin Factory Invasion and show you have an understanding of the term "abuse of power?"

8. The perpetual minority. Face it guys, you work better when you are out numbered. I don't know if it's because you act out of desperation or because you can't handle the majority role, but you are blowing it. You have controlled Congress for nearly 5 years now and we have more bureaucracy, a more cynical public outlook and a federal government that owns more land then ever. If you can't handle the lead, I beg of you, get out of the game.

Tune in next week, kids, and find out the 8 reasons why Democrats are completely clueless. (Only 8?)

The Cynic, 2000

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