Several months back, conservative columnist Maggie Gallagher
co-authored a book called The
Case for Marriage (Doubleday) with University of Chicago
professor Linda Waite. It is a wonderful book, brimming
with well-researched statistics on everything from health to
finances and how they relate to marriage. Well, I am not
here to steal Gallagher’s thunder, but I must add my voice to
the marriage debate.
Some of my pro-marriage zeal is just selfish, wishful thinking,
I suppose. Being single is often lonely, and while I have
no shortage of wonderful friends, I am waiting for that one
special person with whom I will share everything from nights of
passion to household chores.
Of course, maybe my dream of marriage is a Darwinian ‘survival
instinct.’ In their book, Gallagher and Waite cite
compelling evidence that single status is a health liability.
News programs all over the country picked up on one statistic
and reported it as sort of a "News of the Odd"
story—Men who are married live longer (actually, let me
rephrase that: married men do not live longer, it is just that
unmarried men die sooner) and are generally happier than their
bachelor-for-life friends. What you probably did not hear
is that those statistics were similar for women, and that
married couples have a much lower domestic violence rate than
unmarried couples.
Gallagher’s and Waite’s book also promotes marriage as a
wealth-producing institution. It makes sense—two incomes
are better than one. But even if one half of the couple
stays home rather than working, most married couples still come
out ahead of a typical single. If you really think about
it, this also makes sense. The married couple is no longer
spending $100 a weekend on impressing the opposite sex.
They are no longer throwing food out every week because
supermarkets do not carry ‘single-sized’ portions of
anything. They can buy in bulk, share a car, and probably
eat out less often than they did as singles. If one person
stays home, that saves on lunches and Starbuck’s Coffee and
transportation for that individual. Marriage is definitely
a bargain.
So why would leading feminists oppose marriage, especially for
poor women who could use the economic boost? Ask Mimi
Abramovitz, Hunter College School of Social Work professor and
author of two books on welfare policy and women. From the
NOW website (www.now.org):
"The motivation behind efforts to promote marriage for poor
women is power rather than reform. ‘The ideological
underpinnings of this [1996-97 welfare reform] is that to allow
women to raise children on their own is a real threat to the
patriarchy,’ says Abramovitz. ‘I always joke that now
we know why welfare benefits are so low—women raising children
on their own are threatening to men.’" ("Heated
Debate on Welfare May Focus on Marriage," Sarah Stewart
Taylor for Women's E-News)
Once again, it is all about the men for the National
Organization for Women. Their members make it quite clear
that policy should not be about what is best for women—it
should be all about shoving and keeping men down. Needless
to say, I disagree. (What was that NOW said about being a
voice for ALL women?)
Marriage is definitely a healthy thing. In fact, I am
fairly sure that two deaths and thirteen injuries could have
been prevented along with innumerable tears if one couple had
stayed married—Andy Williams’ parents. Without beating
the dead horse that is the school-shooting epidemic, let it be
said that if little Andy had had his mommy, things might have
been a little different.
I live in
Maryland, where young Williams spent most of his formative
years. News outlets here have been almost gleefully
reporting this ‘local connection,’ and interviewing his old
friends and classmates incessantly. Most of the comments I
have heard have been from kids who are just plain excited to be
associated with a national celebrity, no matter how depraved.
They unanimously say "I never would have thought he would
do something like that." (How insightful, and totally
deserving of space in a national newspaper.) However, a
few of Andy’s closer friends actually did offer insight.
Andy’s friends say the one thing you never mentioned around
Andy was his mom. He would become very angry and sometimes
violent. His oft-quoted ex-girlfriend, Kathleen Seek, said
that Andy missed his mom terribly and desperately wanted a
relationship with her. Andy also reportedly called at
least three friends’ mothers "Mom."
According to Andy’s mother, the last time she spoke to him was
sometime last year via telephone. In that conversation,
she says Andy told her he was a tri-athlete, had a lot of new
friends in California, and was doing really well in school.
Apparently she never thought to confirm all of that with the
father Andy was living with. Personal pettiness overcame
decent parenting.
One need not wonder why Andy lied. He wanted
acceptance from his mother. She abandoned him when he was
just a child, so obviously there must have been something wrong
with him from the start. His innocent psyche told him that
if he could just be the perfect kid, she would come back and
love him. A year ago, he was still naďve enough to think
he could win his mommy (I use the term loosely) back.
I do not know what happened in between that phone call and last
week, when he became a double-murderer. All I know is that
if Andy’s parents had stayed married, I would not be writing
this article. No amount of childhood bullying can trump
two parents and their abundant love.
I will close with one more statistic from The Case for
Marriage: Only 18% of divorcees rate themselves as ‘very
happy.’ But 77% of couples who rated themselves as
‘very unhappy’ five years ago, but stayed married anyway
rate
themselves as ‘very happy’ or ‘quite happy.’ Andy
would have had a 77% chance of having a really happy home if his
parents had just given it some time...and the nation would have
never heard of Santana High School.
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Buy Books
The Case for Marriage: Why
Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off
Financially
by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
by Judith S. Wallerstein and Julia M. Lewis
When the State Kills: Capital
Punishment and the American Condition.
by Austin Sarat
Dead
Man Walking: An Eyewitness Account of the Death Penalty in the
United States
by Helen Prejean
Just Revenge: Costs and
Consequences of the Death Penalty
by Mark Costanzo
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