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Alex Aichinger
Kirsten Andersen
Brent Barksdale
The Cynic
Natalie Farr

Joe Giardiello
Bret Hrbek

Ramesh Ponnuru
Dorothy Seese
Jason Soter

 

 

PoliticalUSA.com Bombs Away Contest


Now it's the Yaks' turn

David Bartley
November 4, 2000, Middle of nowhere "bin Laden's hideout", President Clinton will address the 
nation, eplaining that US Intelligence, under the able guidance of the Vice President (from his 
extensive experience in covert operations in Vietnam) have discovered Osama bin Laden's hideout, 
and bombed it to smitereens.  Such a thorough job will be performed on what is actually a 
yak-herder's hut in the middle of nowhere that a formal inspection to determine whether the 
story is true will be impossible (at least until after the election). This will happen late Saturday, 
in time to reach the Sunday papers, but late enough that criticism of the October Surprise will not reach most people until after 
the 7th.

That's not all your wife says
John B. Grimsley
Nov 3, 2000, Afghanistan: Suspected Bin Laden hangout(s)","Do the math.  The attack, in retaliation for the attack on the USS Cole, will take place late in the afternoon Washington  DC time, because:
1.  It'll be in time to make the evening news.
2.  Congress will probably have adjourned and Members will be scattered around the U.S. trying to campaign for re-election.  They won't be able to mount a united response to criticize the attack.
3.  Fri., Nov 3 will be close enough to the election for the public to rally around the flag before the voting but not to start doubting the wisdom of the attack until after the voting has already taken place.
4.  Nobody likes Osama bin Laden anyway, so nobody will care if it turns out that he WASN'T responsible for the attack on the USS Cole.
5.  The pharmaceutical factory thing has already been done.
6.  My wife says I'll win.

Oh no, not Elian again
Dean Clancy
November 5-6th, Havana, The Bay of Pigs invasion is resumed.  Fidel is hunted down and removed from power.  US troops occupy Havana.  Florida votes Gore overwhelmingly, and he is elected President.  Unfortunately, little Elian is killed in the opening bombardment.

How did he know?
Mr. Moss
November 4, 2000, Osama bin laden's hideout, His hideout is eerily similar to Brent Barksdale's home.

PBK
November 6, 2000, Iraq, The U.S. will claim that Albania is a sponsor of Osana bin Laden, and U.S. jets will destroy several farms and horseshoe nail factories in the Albanian countryside. Simultaneously, a study will 
be released by Greenpeace showing that conventional munitions are a leading cause of global warming, and Al Gore will promise a ban on using them shortly after being elected. When the Chinese invade Taiwan two days later, the United States Navy is forced to use nuclear weapons to defend the island, since an Executive order bans them from using conventional explosives.  Within days of the Chinese invasion, Syria, Egypt and Iraq will jointly invade Israel, and Israel will respond with nuclear missiles, causing a nuclear winter, which kills all the rainforests and causes the Earth to sink into a Venus-like furnace state where only sub oceanic geothermal tubeworms can survive. Amazingly, in such an environment, Al Gore will still
be functioning, and the last humans on Earth will discover he really was a robot all along.

Tom Eaker
November 20, 2000, Aden,After discovering that the Yemen government is behind the bombing of the Cole Clinton decides to take out their entire navy!!  After two days of saturation bombing he is informed that the rubber zodiac used in the Cole's bombing had been the entire Yemen navy. Al Gore loses in an unprecedented landslide!!

Veronika Hill
November 2, 2000, Middle East, Tired of the Palestinians, Clinton finally goes hog wild, in his last quasi-sexual act as president.

Just in time for Christmas
Brian Johnson
November 6, 2000, Yemen, No one hurt or killed.  Clinton will bomb a Sony Playstation factory.

Dave Marshall
October 27 , OsamaBinLadenville, Afghanistan , Clinton (and publicly with the visible support of Al Gore) will attack with cruise missiles a   suspected terrorist training camp of Osama Bin Laden   somewhere in the desert of Afghanistan. He will announce that evidence showed that the bombers of the USS Cole were trained there, and that Osama Bin Laden provided backing and logistical support for the Saudi terrorists. Bomb damage assessment: Numerous tents damaged, one aging Toyota destroyed, several camels traumatized. Political benefit assessment: America feels good about Clinton/Gore finding the bad guys that bombed our ship, and taking action. Effect on actual terrorists: none.

Benjamin Wetmore
November 5th 2000 , Austin Texas and a nursing home in Arkansas , In order to combat the   smog   problem evident in the illegal Kyoto treaty, Algore will order, with the consent of the president, the bombing of alleged smog-producing aspirin factories in Austin Texas and a suspected aspirin hoarding facility that happens to be part of a nursing home complex run by Osama Bin Laden sympathizer Juanita Broaddrick.

Virgil Nielsen
Nov 1, 2000 , Iran , Al Gore's Russian submarine

Lila West
Nov. 1, 2000 , Bin Laden camp , Retaliation for ship bombing.  Not very original but then Clinton isn't either.

Marjorie Desmond
November 6, 2000 , Yemen , He'll bomb the port and a couple of government buildings, kill a couple of street vendors and some guppies and it should last about 10 hours.

Eric Enderle
November 4th, 2000 , West-Central Iraq , The State Department will cite 'classified' intelligence reports indicating that this is where the base of operations was located for the Muslim terrorists who bombed the USS Cole, and those terrorists were reportedly organizing to strike other U.S. interests in the Mideast, which won't be identified for 'national security' reasons. The bombing will probably take place in the predawn hours, EST.  

Dave Wallace
October 29th , Northern Yemen , Naval forces 
attack training base for Yemeni rebel group with cruise missiles. Destroy 3 tents, kill 2 
rebels/terrorists and one civilian vegetable delivery man.1 errant missile hits offices of special prosecutor in 
Washington DC.

Kanga & Boom
November 5 , The White House , To coincide with Guy Fawkes Night. Then all the Aussies will eventually put out the flames with a few inferior Yank beers...while swigging our own ones.

Wade
11/02/00 , Iraq , On grounds of producing overpriced prescription drugs, President Clinton announced that   Saddam's facility to send our old people to poor house   has been destroyed.  Note: after the fact it turns out that the   facility   was really camel dung processing factory.

Uh, Houston, you have a problem.
Don Stefanson

November 5, 2000 , Houston, Texas , Al Gore will claim that because of Governor Bush's deliberate attempt to make Houston into the world's most polluted city, the city will have to be destroyed before it threatens to overwhelm all of North America. Clinton will ponder several days as he did over releasing oil from the reserve, then order a B-52 raid to clean up Houston.   I had no choice, he will say.

Damon Franz
yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck , yo mama's so stinky, she put on secret and it told on her , I 
think it would be way more interesting to guess the date George W. Bush will manage to string a coherent, intelligent 
sentence together, without mangling words or using the wrong verb tense. Or when he actually shows some knowledge 
of how government works. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest April 8, 2016. I bet I'm right.  Rarely is the 
question asked,   Is our children learning? More and more, our imports come from abroad. , P.S. Fuck you.

Dennis Farnworth
won't happen , no where , Due to people like you alerting us to the possibility, Bill will be too afraid of being caught out to do it.

Alicia Ledesma
October 31, 2000 , Survivor Taping Site (Australia) , In a last ditch effort to remain in the spotlight and gain more photo ops, President Clinton coordinates a new immunity challenge for the cast of Survivor.  Whoever is left alive or remains alive with the least amount of injuries after being bombed, wins immunity.

The Kingfish
Nov. 2, 2000, Yemen
Will say they found the culprits of the USS Cole bombing and supposedly found a terrorist training camp where the bombers were supposedly headquartered.  He wont do it on the 1st b/c its a religious holiday, he'll do it on the 2nd because they will have the whole weekend new cycle gaining favor for the administration and Gore will be all over the Sunday shows showing his support for the bombing.

Kent Childs
Oct. 21 2000, George W's tour bus
Having failed in all last minute strategic maneuvers for Gore & realizing he'll never get a 3rd term, Bubba 
turns to the only possible solution in his endeavor to keep the W.H. under demo. control. Afterward he's 
quoted as saying "ahm sorrie, I thought it was Slobeadawn tryin ta hahd in America". (biting lip) "Ah 
feel his pain."

Joe King
Nov. 5, 2000, Afghanistan
Primarily cruise missiles (depleting remaining stock.)

Well, as long as the SPCA doesn't find out.
Daniel Molineaux
Oct. 26, 2000, Iraq,
Simple strike, out in the desert, several camels dead.
ehpayne
Nov. 2, 2000, Northern Iraq - along Jordan border
He will bomb along the border of Jordan.  Iraqi troops have been moving there in recent weeks.  
He will claim that it is a preventive strike to back up Israel.  It will not only bolster AlGore, but Mrs. 
Clinton as well.

But what about all those Democrat votes?  Maybe he should bomb Long Island instead.
ron goodbub
Nov. 5,2000, New York City
Bill Clinton will decide that Hillary is behind and also Al (although he really doest care about that) and to stop any and all elections, he will in the name of humanity bomb terrorists that are supposedly in NYC. This will involve cruise missiles, long range bombers, and heavy missiles.

cate hoffman
Nov. 5, 2000, U.S. Supreme Court...killing all the sitting Justices.  
Domestic terrorists led by Rush Limbaugh and a cadre of right-wing radio hosts will be blamed, so that in the ensuing emergency, talk radio will be silenced along with the cancellation of the elections.  One of Mr. Clinton's first acts after order is restored will be to appoint nine hand-picked FOBs to the Supreme Court, who will push through a federal statute, under the "pursuit of happiness clause," legalizing polygamy, and requiring men over 60 to adopt polygamy in order to erase the unfair effects of the population imbalance in that age group, which he himself is approaching...so he already feels their pain....

Who could they get for guests to discuss that issue?  Besides Monica.
Myron Havis
Nov. 3, 2000, Afghanistan
Attack on USS Cole will be attributed to Osama bin-Laden.  His hideaway in Afghanistan will be purported to 
have been discovered and the desert will once again receive the full fury of Bill Clinton's penis extenders - 
Tomahawk missiles. I say it happens on a Friday, so there will be plenty of time to round up guests to carry 
the propaganda on the Sunday morning news shows.

But we can dream, can't we?
The Cynic
Oct. 30, 2000, France 
Don't really think the bombing will happen in France, it's just wishful thinking.

Bruno Nikodesmki
Oct. 31, 20000 (Halloween) thru Nov. 2, 2000, Northern Iraq
Clinton will bomb some innocent Kurdish refugee camp, in Northern Iraq, since the Kurds can't do anything about it, and don't have any representation in the world community.  Turkey will concur in this, and may provide basing & refueling for the airplanes.  Iraq will be made to be a "bad guy / terrorist conspirator" before this.  He won't bomb any oil-processing facilities, of course, and not anywhere near the Saudi peninsula.

Is it sweeps week?
Stephen G. Page
Nov. 1, 2000, Afghanistan
Attack the supposed hide-out of Bin Laden.  The bombing will occur in the evening on the east coast, around 9:55 PM, so as to not effect the showing of ""West Wing"" on NBC, but yet still dominate the 11 o'clock news AND ABC's NightLine.  Since this is only 5 1/2 days before the polls open, anyone who disagrees with this show of "America's resolve" in fighting terrorism, will be branded as being partisan.

A unique way to guarantee California goes for Gore.
Brian Terwilliger
Nov. 2, 2000, Orange County California
With George Bush only 1% behind in California and polls showing chances are that there will be low democrat turnout causing a Bush win of the state and its monstrous Electoral Vote count President Bill ""The Bomber"" Clinton unleashed a massive air raid from 15,000 feet on the very conservative Orange County.  Thus causing the republican strong hold to not only loose republican voters due to casualties, it also knocked out polling places, which strangely were the only buildings too take direct hits.  Other than a few stray bombs that hit the shipping docks of the Chinese Shipping company Hutchinson/Whampooha.  With many dead and injured republicans, and those still healthy unable to vote because the polling places were blown up Algore will carry the state and possibly the election.

Susan Youngquist
Nov. 2, 2000, Iraq 
Bubba Clinton will claim that he has intelligence that Iraq is about to enter Saudi Arabia and Kuwait and block all our oil.

Gareth Smith
Oct. 23, 2000, Kuwait border
An Iraqi pilot will fly too close to the no fly zone.  American AA guns will blast it out of the sky.  Saddam 
will beef up the border area with more planes.  Clinton will order them all to leave or be shot down.  They 
will stay.  Clinton will order in several American stealth 117s and shoot a few of them down from high altitude.  
They will leave.  Clinton will be a one-legged hero.;~)

Richard Bennett
Nov. 6, 2000, Baghdad, Iraq
Clinton "determines" that the Iraqi Republican Army has traveled too far to the west towards Israel.  In order to protect Israel, and also to disable the Iraqi military, he drops bombs on them and wipes them out.  At the same time he's wiping out the Iraqi army, he also lets a few bombs fly in the wrong direction and hits critical oil wells and refineries, causing the price of oil to rise so high, that Gore's plan of eliminating oil as a power source finally comes to fruition.


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