In our hearts we always knew Billy Carter was a harmless little
imp. A post-modern Goober Pyle, Billy would hang at his
gas station, chain-smoking cigs, guzzling beer and regaling
America with his own special brand of redneck chic. To some, he
was a welcome breath of B.O. in a deodorized world.
When Billy spoke you knew he had something to say. The
fact that neither he nor the people of America knew what that
something was made little difference.
Billy embarrassed his brother quite often - as if President
Jimmy needed help - but in the end he caused no measurable harm.
Ok...it was a tad unseemly when he tried to hook up with a
middle eastern crime lord and act as his U.S. liaison, but that
action was an anomaly and I suspect Billy was whacked on
goofballs at the time. Besides, any skirt-wearing Arab strongmen
who hires a semi-retarded octane monkey as his representative is
likely missing a few bricks himself.
Nope...as Presidential relatives go, Billy Carter wasn't half
bad. He might have lent his name to a horrid beer, and he might
have stuck his foot in his mouth so often that he began chewing
with his toes, but he never accepted $500,000 for securing
pardons for drug lords and scam artists.
Which brings us to Hugh Rodham. Hugh is the multi-jowled,
heretofore unknown lawyer brother of Hillary Rodham Clinton,
freshman Senator from New York and kinda' sorta' spouse of King
Willie Jeff the First. It appears that Baby Huey received nearly
a half million bucks for his assistance in securing the
pardons of fraud baron Almon Glenn Braswell and coke dealer
Braswell bilked millions of folks by (among other things)
peddling a fake cure for baldness. At the time of his pardon,
federal prosecutors were investigating him in connection with a
massive tax evasion and money-laundering scheme. Bill Clinton
claims he was unaware of this investigation.
I believe that. So what if he had access to every government
computer in existence and a bunch of spy satellites that can
locate and destroy a Republican in a haystack? It makes perfect
sense that Bill's own Justice Department would misplace the
Post-It note reminding them to tell him they were in the midst
of a high level investigation. It was an honest mistake
Uh Huh. Now repeat after me: "I did not have sex with
that woman.....Miss Lewinsky."
Carlos Vignali is another story. The son of Horatio Vignali, a
wealthy Los Angeles political contributor, many people were
lobbying for Carlos's release. Unfortunately, those people
did not include the prosecutors involved with the case. They say
that though this was Vignali's first arrest, he was a major
player in cocaine circles. The phrase currently being utilized
to depict him is "one bad dude." If I remember my
Miami Vice correctly, "one bad dude" is about as bad
as it gets.
Bill Clinton, of course, is pleading ignorance to the pay-offs.
"Neither Hillary nor I had any knowledge of such
payments," he said. "We are deeply disturbed by these
reports and have insisted that Hugh return any moneys
Uh huh...deeply disturbed that they got caught. Let's look at
this logically. Have you ever heard of Hugh Rodham? Is he
regarded as a legal genius in the vein of Clarence Darrow, F.
Lee Bailey or Matlock? Would multi-millionaire drug lords
and con men choose Hugh Rodham to handle their clemency appeal
if not for the fact his sister was co-dictator of America?
Of course not. Without his sibling influence, Hugh Rodham
would be just another mall lawyer with low conscience and high
cholesterol. To think these clients selected him because he
possessed legal superpowers is ridiculous.
Where will all this
lead? Not very far. The only way direct evidence of
wrongdoing will ever be linked to Bill Clinton is if Carlos
Vignali owns a dress bearing incriminating DNA evidence.
However, there's a silver lining. Through sheer greed and
amazing stupidity, the Clintons have done to themselves what no
one could do to them.
With the revelation of the pay-offs, most Americans will assume
Bill and Hill were in it up to their eyeballs. This means
the likelihood of a successful White House run just slipped
forever out of Hillary's grasp. It also means, as he will be
forever linked to his ex-boss, Al Gore cannot hope to win the
Presidency in 2004. Best of all, it means that people are
so sick of Bill Clinton's Democratic party that the Republicans
may very well gain seats in the 2002 Congressional races.
As for Bill and Hillary, the curtain is falling. Their
the press view them with contempt, the "elites" who
pretended friendship in order to gain White House access ignore
their calls. The only wars the Clintons have left to wage are
with each other...their biggest battle being a race to see who
can clean out their Swiss bank account the fastest.
Somewhere Billy Carter is looking down with a lopsided, idiot
grin. He's popping open a beer, lighting a smoke and scratching
"Heck Fire," Billy thinks to himself. "Compared
to those two I'm startin' to look purty durned smart."
Yes you are Billy. Yes you are.
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