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Bill & Hill Sure Miss The Rose Garden

By Ron Marr


See our new Friday feature:  Who's In, Who's Out


    In our hearts we always knew Billy Carter was a harmless little imp.  A post-modern Goober Pyle, Billy would hang at his gas station, chain-smoking cigs, guzzling beer and regaling America with his own special brand of redneck chic. To some, he was a welcome breath of B.O. in a deodorized world.

    When Billy spoke you knew he had something to say.  The fact that neither he nor the people of America knew what that something was made little difference.

    Billy embarrassed his brother quite often - as if President Jimmy needed help - but in the end he caused no measurable harm. was a tad unseemly when he tried to hook up with a middle eastern crime lord and act as his U.S. liaison, but that action was an anomaly and I suspect Billy was whacked on goofballs at the time. Besides, any skirt-wearing Arab strongmen who hires a semi-retarded octane monkey as his representative is likely missing a few bricks himself. Presidential relatives go, Billy Carter wasn't half bad. He might have lent his name to a horrid beer, and he might have stuck his foot in his mouth so often that he began chewing with his toes, but he never accepted $500,000 for securing pardons for drug lords and scam artists.

    Which brings us to Hugh Rodham. Hugh is the multi-jowled, heretofore unknown lawyer brother of Hillary Rodham Clinton, freshman Senator from New York and kinda' sorta' spouse of King Willie Jeff the First. It appears that Baby Huey received nearly a  half million bucks for his assistance in securing the pardons of fraud baron Almon Glenn Braswell and coke dealer Carlos Vignali.

    Braswell bilked millions of folks by (among other things) peddling a fake cure for baldness. At the time of his pardon, federal prosecutors were investigating him in connection with a massive tax evasion and money-laundering scheme. Bill Clinton claims he was unaware of this investigation.

    I believe that. So what if he had access to every government computer in existence and a bunch of spy satellites that can locate and destroy a Republican in a haystack? It makes perfect sense that Bill's own Justice Department would misplace the Post-It note reminding them to tell him they were in the midst of a high level investigation. It was an honest mistake

    Uh Huh. Now repeat after me:  "I did not have sex with that woman.....Miss Lewinsky."

    Carlos Vignali is another story. The son of Horatio Vignali, a wealthy Los Angeles political contributor, many people were lobbying for Carlos's release.  Unfortunately, those people did not include the prosecutors involved with the case. They say that though this was Vignali's first arrest, he was a major player in cocaine circles. The phrase currently being utilized to depict him is "one bad dude." If I remember my
Miami Vice correctly, "one bad dude" is about as bad as it gets.

    Bill Clinton, of course, is pleading ignorance to the pay-offs. "Neither Hillary nor I had any knowledge of such payments," he said. "We are deeply disturbed by these reports and have insisted that Hugh return any moneys received."

    Uh huh...deeply disturbed that they got caught. Let's look at this logically. Have you ever heard of Hugh Rodham?  Is he regarded as a legal genius in the vein of Clarence Darrow, F. Lee Bailey or Matlock?  Would multi-millionaire drug lords and con men choose Hugh Rodham to handle their clemency appeal if not for the fact  his sister was co-dictator of America?

    Of course not.  Without his sibling influence, Hugh Rodham would be just another mall lawyer with low conscience and high cholesterol. To think these clients selected him because he possessed legal superpowers is ridiculous.    

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   Where will all this lead?  Not very far.  The only way direct evidence of wrongdoing will ever be linked to Bill Clinton is if Carlos Vignali owns a dress bearing incriminating DNA evidence. However, there's a silver lining. Through sheer greed and amazing stupidity, the Clintons have done to themselves what no one could do to them.

    With the revelation of the pay-offs, most Americans will assume Bill and Hill were in it up to their eyeballs.  This means the likelihood of a successful White House run just slipped forever out of Hillary's grasp. It also means, as he will be forever linked to his ex-boss, Al Gore cannot hope to win the Presidency in 2004.  Best of all, it means that people are so sick of Bill Clinton's Democratic party that the Republicans may very well gain seats in the 2002 Congressional races.

    As for Bill and Hillary, the curtain is falling.  Their friends in
the press view them with contempt, the "elites" who pretended friendship in order to gain White House access ignore their calls. The only wars the Clintons have left to wage are with each other...their biggest battle being a race to see who can clean out their Swiss bank account the fastest. 

    Somewhere Billy Carter is looking down with a lopsided, idiot grin. He's popping open a beer, lighting a smoke and scratching himself. 

    "Heck Fire," Billy thinks to himself. "Compared to those two I'm startin' to look purty durned smart."

    Yes you are Billy.  Yes you are.

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Ron Marr, 2001


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